By Jesse Marx
By Chris Parker
By Jake Rossen
By Jesse Marx
By Michelle LeBow
By Alleen Brown
By Maggie LaMaack
By CP Staff
￼ ARIES (March 21-April 19): It would be a great time to launch several new ventures all at once, even if it means abandoning an old project you've been working on for months. APRIL FOOL! Don't you dare do what I just suggested. The future won't thrive unless you lavish the past with the gift of your careful attention. Please please please put the finishing touches on a labor of love you've been working on for months—and then start new projects.
￼ TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Does the curse "goddamn it" fly out of your mouth every time you stub your toe or misplace your keys? Do you know the brand names of ten different beers but have trouble remembering any of the Ten Commandments? Do you sometimes undress people in your imagination without their permission? If so, says the Weekly World News, you're going to hell when you die many years from now. There is, however, a tiny chance you can begin some atonement now that will cancel out the karma from the above-named sins and stave off eternal damnation. APRIL FOOL! The acts I named aren't sins, and besides, there's no such thing as hell. However, it's true that this is a good time to seek forgiveness and try to correct old mistakes.
￼ GEMINI (May 21-June 20): The number 6714 has always been devoid of any cosmic significance for you. It has failed to be involved with a single stroke of good fortune. But now it has burst into your life to serve as your lucky number--an omen of abundance, grace, and success. Your assignment: Make prodigious use of 6714. APRIL FOOL! There is no such thing as a lucky number, except in the sense that all numbers are lucky numbers for those people who believe they are lucky. Your real assignment is this, Gemini: Find a way to believe in your heart that for you, all numbers are lucky.
￼ CANCER (June 21-July 22): Watch out for fake pizza-delivery drivers who're actually trying to issue you a subpoena. Be careful you don't see a blood red sky at dusk, in case it's a bad omen predicting the outbreak of tribulations. Beware of the possibility that a large bird carrying a turtle to its nest accidentally drops its prey on your head from a great height. APRIL FOOL! The truth is, my fellow Cancerian, this should be one of the most worry-free weeks in the history of your life. You're welcome, of course, to dream up a host of scary fantasies if you find that entertaining, but I can practically guarantee that they'll all be illusory.
￼LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I'm reasonably certain that a supermodel wearing antlers and clown face paint will soon offer you $10,000 for the right to spank you on national TV. It'll be that kind of week, Leo: a time when opportunities will come your way cloaked in seemingly absurd circumstances. You might also expect that a homeless person with the flu will offer to lead you to a dumpster in which there's a suitcase containing a priceless 2,500-year-old archaeological artifact. APRIL FOOL! It's true that this week will bring more opportunities than usual, and they'll probably all have some odd twist--but not quite that odd.
￼ VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): This is a perfect astrological moment to recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel using Play-Doh as your raw material. It's also a good time to learn to play Mozart's Magic Flute on the kazoo, produce an abridged, 1,000-word version of James Joyce's Ulysses, or build a miniature model of the Sphinx using toothpicks and rubber bands. APRIL FOOL! Doing any of the things I just described would be a silly waste of time and energy. Please find projects that are truly worthy of your creativity, which is overflowing right now.
￼LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Astronomers estimate that about 8,500 stars are visible to the naked eye. Half of them are always below the horizon and therefore out of sight. Since most of us live amidst the light pollution of cities, the number of stars we can actually see is further reduced to about 2,500. Your assignment this week, Libra, is to go outside on a clear, moonless night and make a wish on 1,000 of those stars. It's the Wishing Season. Go wild. APRIL FOOL! While it's true that this is the Wishing Season, it would be a poor use of your energy to dilute your longing in such a scattershot manner. Instead, choose just one of the visible stars and beam your most important heart's desire in its direction.
￼ SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Due to a special dispensation from the cosmic powers-that-be, you have been authorized to basically just sit around and do nothing this week. Are you ready to enjoy the pleasures of laziness and dissipation, Scorpio? Do you feel overdue for an extended phase of vegging out? You can do so without incurring even a pinch of karmic debt. APRIL FOOL! The truth is that you now have so much physical energy and emotional stamina that you can be three times as intense as you've ever been before. That's a good thing, since the universe will be working you three times as hard as usual.