By Andy Mannix
By Caleb Hannan
By Olivia LaVecchia
By CP Staff
By Aaron Rupar
By Jacob Wheeler
By Olivia LaVecchia
By Aaron Rupar
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Your horoscope this week comes to you courtesy of the ancient Chinese book of oracles, the I Ching, translated by Richard Wilhelm. The title of your reading is "Liberation." Here's the heart of it: "In times of standstill it will happen that inferior people attach themselves to you and even seem to grow indispensable. But when the time of deliverance draws near, with its call to action, you must free yourself from such chance acquaintances with whom you have no inner connections. For otherwise the friends who share your views, on whom you could rely and together with whom you could accomplish great things, mistrust you and stay away."
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): I predict that animals will be especially attracted to you in the coming days. The light of the sun will seem to possess an uncanny fluidity and sparkle. You may experience vivid fantasies like seeing a talking cat in a tree or hearing advice coming from a soap dispenser. Strangers may gaze at you for no apparent reason, and even your friends will have unusual feelings for you. You may be reunited with precious memories that have been lost to you for a long time. In the consciousness industry, we call this natural magic time.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): "I am a fugitive from the law of averages," writes Sage Price, one of my Gemini readers. "I swore a long time ago that I would never be taken alive by anything that was average, commonplace, standard, or ordinary." His attitude is especially recommended for you right now. In order to harvest the potential rewards the cosmos has prepared for you, you've got to push to excel; you've got to cultivate a lust to be unique; you've even got to be willing to risk making other people envious of you. One of the worst sins you could commit would be half-assed mediocrity.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Siam's King Mongut had a harem of 9,000 women. On his deathbed, however, before succumbing to the ravages of syphilis, he confessed that he was truly in love with only 700 of his lovers--less than eight percent of the total. Why he didn't concentrate on that eight percent and forget the rest we'll never know. Don't make a similar mistake in the coming months, Cancerian. You will have the chance to indulge in a great variety of pleasurable adventures, but only a fraction will have the potential of nourishing your soul.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): What's the best way to defeat a dragon? Some fairy tales propose the use of brute force, while others suggest that the protection of a magical amulet is preferable. Still other myths say the optimum strategy is to use stealth to avoid the dragon completely, though that usually means living in constant fear of the beast. From what I can tell, Leo, your future happiness will be best served if you use none of the above, but instead employ one of the two little-known methods of dragon-taming: either ask it sly riddles to confuse it or else pacify it through the entertaining power of your songs and dances.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): "We have art so that we may not die of reality," said Friedrich Nietzsche. While I'm sure you won't literally be killed off by reality this week, it could bore you half to death--unless you aggressively subject yourself to massive amounts of really fine art. I'm not just talking about listening to formulaic pop music or getting a glimpse of the Mona Lisa on an ad for the upcoming film The Da Vinci Code. I'm referring to intensive exposure to inspired painting, sculpture, music, architecture, dance, and literature--sublime forms of creative expression that you may have to work hard to find.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): To be of real service to you, I have to do more than be simplistically optimistic. It's important for me to be your cheerleader, counterbalancing the negative reinforcement that so often comes your way, but it would be irresponsible of me to inflate you with false hopes. This week, for instance, I have to report that there's a 65 percent chance of you achieving a major breakthrough in at least one of your relationships, but only if you lose every ounce of self-pity and refuse to blame anyone for your sorrows. I also foresee the possibility of you healing 55 percent of one of your old wounds, but only if you stretch yourself to learn a new lesson from the original trauma.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): A few years ago, executives at a major record company signed my band to their label. They loved us. We were the next big thing. Or at least that's what they told us up until the moment when they demanded that we change the titles and lyrics to some of our songs. They were afraid that the cigarette company Philip Morris would sue us for our song "Marlboro Man Jr." and that Kmart would sue us for our song "Kmart Tribal Ballet." We agreed to make the changes only because we had no choice: If we refused, our music would have never been heard. The company owned the rights to it. Let this serve as an example of what not to do in the coming weeks, Scorpio. Do all the research and strategic long-range thinking necessary to avoid getting into a position where people you don't know very well control your fate.