By Jake Rossen
By Jesse Marx
By Michelle LeBow
By Alleen Brown
By Maggie LaMaack
By CP Staff
By Jesse Marx
Guys are pretty predictable. They want to say, "Fuck you." They want to watch porno. They want to drink a lot of beer. And guys will say, "Hey Jason, I'm going to have to puke. Pull over." And I've got plenty of time to pull over. They get out. They fucking puke like a champ. I give them a breath mint. They get back in the car and start drinking again. A lot of the time, chicks will puke all over themselves because they're not so used to going out drinking with girlfriends.
I've had people puke inside the car maybe 11, 12 times over the years. It's a nightmare because there's a sort of synergistic effect. One person pukes, it's like dominos. They start tumbling. So when people get in my limo, I tell them all, "Here's the deal: It's 200 bucks in the car and the grass is free everywhere."
The majority of people I drive are on the downtown circuit. A lot of times, I'll put 15 miles on the car in six hours. And that's only because I'm fucking off, taking a spin, because the passengers are in a bar or restaurant for two hours.
I like to park by the strip clubs. After all these years, I know everyone who works at the clubs, so it's the social hour. I like to talk to the floor guys. I'll tell you this, it certainly doesn't have anything to do with the women. Every year, I go to Vegas for the Super Bowl for a boys' weekend. It's me, a buddy who drives limo, and a bunch of guys who have normal jobs. The guys with normal jobs, all they want to do is sit at a titty bar the whole time. My buddy and I are like, "This is the stupidest thing I've seen in my life. We see naked women all the time."
People like the fact that they can be themselves in front of me. A guy has a patented jackhammer pussy move that he can do in front of me with five, six different women. I play stupid every time. Guys who pay my bills like that—they like the fact that I know their wives and I know their girlfriends.
To stroke people the right way, without feeling like you're demeaning yourself, it's an art, man. For people to sit there and feel totally cool with you, there's just an art to it: You have to know when to be a pig, and when not to be a pig.
Minneapolis is a good place to make a living in the limo business. The rates are pretty high. Reason being, there's not one huge company in town with 500 cars that drives the price down. In Vegas, this car rents for $55 an hour. Here, I solidly get $95—$85 if it's a weeknight and I'm in a good mood. And $120 if it's a two-hour wedding deal on a Saturday evening. Plus the juice [tip]. You gotta take care of the driver. I love the people who say, "My wife wants to give you head for a tip." How 'bout you just give me cash instead?
I had some farm guys in the other night, in town for one of the conventions. Guy says, "Hey, you got any pornos here?" And I go, "Just some homemade. Me and my pregnant wife. It's pretty hot. Want to check that shit out?" As soon as I said it I realized I was dealing with some grain farmers from western Minnesota and I had just gone completely over the top. They looked at me like, "What the fuck?" Now if I had some swingers in here and said the same thing, they'd laugh and think it's funny. Sometimes I don't know when to say when.
You gotta respect the body fluids. I'll help the girls out by the wrist instead of the hand. I was just putting this long coat on—I hadn't worn it all week. You know what I found in the pocket? One rubber glove. What's that from? Probably cleaning some shit up back here. Could be puke. Could be cum. Could be ass smell. You get dudes that haven't showered all day, out drinking on the golf course, then they get some prostitute in here. Their ass fucking reeks, man. You got the dude with the bad ass smell. Or the chicks that have been stripping all night—they got the pussy funk. Am I being too graphic?
Some drivers have their mirrors high so they can see out the back window. I have mine low so I can see what people's legs are doing. Plus you get the panty shots in the summer.
You have to be a little voyeuristic. My wife will joke with me, "You like to watch people fuck, don't you?" And I'm like, "What's not to like?" Dudes do this on the internet all day long and pay good money, too. I get paid to watch people fuck around. How do you not like that? You've got to be honest about it. Some guys will say, "I'm kind of repulsed by that." Well, not me. I'm a dude. I've got blood flow and I'm human. Unless they're ugly, it's fun to watch people have sex. Generally. Why do people watch porno? Well, instead of paying, would you like to have a porno filmed live three feet behind your head? It's not a bad thing.