By Alleen Brown
By Maggie LaMaack
By CP Staff
By Jesse Marx
By Jesse Marx
By Maggie LaMaack
By Jake Rossen
�ARIES (March 21-April 19): "Honey, This Mirror Isn't Big Enough for the Two of Us," is the title of a song by the band My Chemical Romance. If you'd like to place yourself in alignment with cosmic rhythms, you should say the exact opposite of that to someone you care about—something like this: "Honey, this mirror is big enough for the two of us, and I want us to gaze into it together." In other words, enlist a loved one to join you in taking an inventory of your relationship. Study how you fit together, and brainstorm about how you can make your connection work even better.
�TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Curses abound. When we're children, our parents and relatives manipulate us into being different from what we naturally are. As we grow up, teachers and coaches regularly remind us of how we're not living up to their expectations. Meanwhile, the news media assaults us with relentless propaganda about how nasty and brutish life is, and storytellers in the entertainment industry barrage us with visions of the worst aspects of human nature. Finally, our enemies slip us their own unique brands of maledictions. That's the bad news, Taurus. The good news is that you now have unprecedented power to defuse the curses that have been cast on you. Follow your intuition to cleanse yourself of their insidious influence.
�GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Brazil's Ryoki Inoue may not be the best novelist in the world, but he's definitely the most prolific. He averages about 100 new works of pulp fiction every year. On one particularly creative day, it took him eight hours to churn out an entire 195-page story about crooked cops and drug dealers. He's your role model for the coming week, Gemini. Whatever your field of endeavor is, try to supercharge your productivity. The astrological omens suggest that not only can you do so, but also that it will be good for you to do so. Your other role model is Marcel Proust, who was one of history's best novelists. Be as fast as Inoue and as brilliant as Proust.
�CANCER (June 21-July 22): Five years ago, artist Dale Chihuly shipped 64 tons of Alaskan ice to Jerusalem. He used it to erect a giant wall in the place where the Arab and Jewish sections of the city joined. The desert heat melted his preposterous construction in three days. Treat this as an apt symbol for a situation that's going on in your vicinity, Cancerian. There is an improbable barrier between two parts of your life that should be connected. That barrier has now begun to collapse at a rapid rate, and will be gone soon as long as you and yours don't make a foolish attempt to try to shore it up.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Medieval language expert Alexandra Gillespie writes that "English is a bastard tongue, an unruly mix of corrupted Latin, Anglo-Saxon, French (in particular Middle Norman), Brythonic and Goideleic Gaelic, Welsh, and other forms of the Celtic tongues." In other words, the most widely used language on the planet was cobbled together from a hodgepodge of disparate influences. I hope that inspires you, Leo, to take full advantage of the mishmash you're nurturing. As you borrow and patch, appropriate and blend, scavenge and integrate, be mindful of the rich potentials inherent in your hybrid creation.
�VIRGO(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): It's high time for you to lose control–in the most constructive way possible, please. You can no longer afford to be as tightly wound as you've been lately. To get yourself in the mood for breakthroughs that will prevent breakdowns, consider carrying out some of the following acts. Fingerpaint on your TV screen. Dance on your bed, imitating a black bear that has drunk a bottle of vodka. Ask an intimate friend to use lipstick to write "I am inscrutable" on your belly. Have dinner with a person who makes you uncomfortable in an interesting way. Buy a bull penis walking stick at Bumsteer.com and use it on a stroll to the corner store. Write candid confessional letters to people from whom you've been hiding an important truth, but don't mail the letters.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): In the estimation of many fashionistas, Libran rock singer Gwen Stefani is a style queen. The New Yorker recently put her on the cover of its fashion supplement, and she's at the top of many best-dressed lists. She doesn't fully enjoy the fruits of her success, though. "I still think of myself as a fat little dorky kid from Orange County desperately wanting to be cool," she told OK magazine. If Stefani called me up for a consultation right now, I'd tell her what I'll say to you: This is a perfect astrological moment to use your willpower, your imagination, and your sense of humor to shed your old self-images—especially those that are acutely at odds with the reality of the person you have become.
�SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): I used to have a Scorpio friend who liked to spout the ecstatic mystic poetry of Rumi. (Sometimes he added his own rapturous improvisations, and so I was never sure where Rumi left off and his words began.) Since you're currently in a phase when the potential for euphoric release and delirious catharsis are high, I've selected five of these quotes that are in alignment with your astrological omens. (1) "Close your eyes and see with your other eyes." (2) "If you want to be held, open up your arms." (3) "Quit acting like wolves and let the shepherd's love fill you." (4) "We're not here to seek approval but disgrace and celebration." (5) "Let the beauty you love be what you do."