By Andy Mannix
By Caleb Hannan
By Olivia LaVecchia
By CP Staff
By Aaron Rupar
By Jacob Wheeler
By Olivia LaVecchia
By Aaron Rupar
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Your adversaries may have a tough time of it in the coming days. I bet their schemes will backfire, their bad hair days will be frequent, their ignorance will be glaringly visible, and the trouble they've caused will be punished. How should you react? You're allowed exactly one hour of gloating. Anything more will put you at risk of becoming more like them, which would be costly. In fact, I urge you to take this opportunity to disengage from them completely. Summon as much love and forgiveness as you can, beam it their way, and then do all you can to free yourself forever of their hold on your emotions and their influence on your actions.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The Johor Baru prison in Malaysia has begun offering thrill-seekers the opportunity to stay overnight. For a mere $17, a curious traveler can experience the adventure of getting locked in a dank cell, eating bad food, and having no pillow while sleeping on a wormy mattress. I sincerely hope that none of you will travel to this new tourist attraction in the coming week. For that matter, I trust you won't check into a metaphorical version of the place, either. There is absolutely no reason for you to visit other people's hells or mistake meaningless ordeals for adventures.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): In the song "We Are Nowhere and It's Now," Bright Eyes' lead singer Conor Oberst croons, "I'm always lost in thought as I walk a block to my favorite neon sign." I love the fact that he has a favorite neon sign. Many people have a beloved tree or mountain or beach, but they would never deign to have a special fondness for a functional human-made object like a neon sign. Let his eccentric tenderness be an inspiration to you, Gemini. Look for beauty in people, places, and things you normally consider bereft of it.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): In his book 1491: New Revelations of the Americas before Columbus, Charles C. Mann says that much of what we thought we knew is wrong. For example, civilization in the New World was in some ways more advanced than in Europe. Cities like the Aztec capital of Tenochtitlan had large populations that enjoyed clean streets, botanical gardens, and running water. Farmers in the Amazon exploited the resources of the rain forest without damaging it. Indigenous American philosophers developed sophisticated forms of democracy, while scientists developed ingenious techniques for breeding corn. I hope you'll do a similar revisioning of your own past in the coming weeks, Cancerian. It's a perfect time to come to a fresh, updated understanding of your personal history.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): "Dear Rob: I was watching TV coverage of New Orleans in the aftermath of the hurricane. At one point the helicopter's camera focused on a casino whose roof was on fire even though it was surrounded by floodwater. In a burst of recognition I thought, that's exactly how I feel right now--the lower part of me soaked, the top half of me blazing, and yet I'm unable to douse the fire with the water or evaporate the water with the fire. That was a while ago, but I still find myself in the same fix. Any advice? -Leo in Tucson." Dear Leo: In the coming week I suspect you will locate a resource or secret that will help you get the fire and water to work together synergistically.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Your homework assignment for this week, should you choose to accept it, is to write an essay entitled "What I Didn't Do This Summer." In it, I'd like you to describe the exploits and projects you could have embarked on but never got around to, the changes you might have initiated but didn't, and the relationships you wished you would have deepened and enriched but instead neglected. The purpose is not so much to make you feel guilty but rather to get you motivated to do in the next few weeks what you missed doing the last three months. (To Virgos living in the Southern Hemisphere: Write an essay on "What I Didn't Do This Winter.")
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): There are still unexplored areas of the world—Antarctica, New Guinea, and the Amazon, for instance— but every square foot of Europe and North America has been charted, right? Wrong. Dick McDermott, a 92-year-old hiker, recently discovered a previously unknown 400-foot waterfall in the California wilderness. It's not on the map, and even the rangers of the Whiskeytown National Recreation Area were unaware of it. I predict you will soon enjoy a comparable find, Libra. Turf you thought you had all figured out will reveal hidden wonders.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): In a series of articles about the Burning Man festival a few weeks ago, the San Francisco Chronicle included brief profiles of selected revelers. One woman named Mai testified that she planned to do things differently in this, her third visit to the annual week-long party in the Nevada desert. "I'm gonna try to remember more this time," she promised. That would be excellent approach for you to use in the coming days, Scorpio. The adventures will be arriving in fast and furious abundance, and though it may be a challenge for you to recall every single one of their many valuable teachings, you should try to do just that.