Not by a long shot, Help Me. Anyway, in answer to your questions:
3. Pretty fucking sick.
I'm a 200 percent straight guy, married with children. About six months ago, I went to a masseur who finished things with a terrific blowjob. If you wonder why I didn't stop him, the truth is, I couldn't, because he was massaging my asshole with his thumb while blowing me. It was so good that I've been going back to the guy just about every week, not for the massage but for the blowjob. Now I'm starting to worry that this might label me as gay. I have no interest in blowing this guy, but I wonder if the guy who gets the blowjob is as guilty as the one who does it.
200 Percent Straight
This is my personal favorite: Mr. 200 Percent Straight couldn't stop the big, bad masseur from giving him a blow job because the masseur had his thumb up Mr. 200 Percent Straight's butt. What, is there a system override switch in straight men's butts? Can't... move... thumb... in... ass... send... help! Come on. I've had my thumb in a few butts, provoking reactions ranging from delight to disgust, but it has never, ever, not once, paralyzed a sex partner or struck him dumb.
But Mr. 200 Percent can't admit that he liked it, that he didn't object because there was nothing objectionable about this blow job--you let him continue because you were diggin' it, Mr. 200 Percent Straight--or that he might have sought it out (just where did you find this masseur?). So he comes up with what has to be the lamest excuse in the long, sordid history of blowjobs: He had his thumb in my butt, Your Honor, what could I do? HTH. Of course, this does not explain why Mr. 200 Percent Straight keeps going back, week after week, for more blowjobs. Did the masseur leave his thumb in your butt?