By Jake Rossen
By Jesse Marx
By Michelle LeBow
By Alleen Brown
By Maggie LaMaack
By CP Staff
By Jesse Marx
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Maybe all you really need right now is a grilled cheese sandwich. It's quite possible that if you savor a well-made version of that earthy delicacy, the things that are off-kilter in your life will get smooth and fresh again. I'm not kidding, Aries. The adjustment that will help you get back on track is likely to be minor--if not a grilled cheese sandwich, then maybe a haircut or a new bedspread or a five-minute conversation that corrects a misimpression. That reminds me of another secret I want to tell you: Small actions can have big impacts.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The only work that will have lasting value in the coming week is work that you do in the spirit of fun. If you approach any task with nothing more than a desire to get it over with, it will ultimately be useless. If you perform a good deed merely out of a sense of duty, it won't bestow any of its intended benefits. These directions apply to the effort you put into your relationship, hobby, or art as well as to your actions on the job. Success depends on you playing hard with your spontaneity fully engaged.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Twenty-nine-year-old Gemini actor Colin Farrell recently reached out to an older woman--a much older woman. While working on the film Ask the Dust, he made a prolonged attempt to seduce one of his fellow stars, Dame Eileen Atkins, who was 69 years old at the time. Though she was flattered, she turned him down. In the coming week, Gemini, I urge you to try a more elevated version of Farrell's quest. Seek intimate contact with an influence that will bless you with the sexy powers of age, wisdom, and experience.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): The state of New Hampshire's symbol used to be the Old Man of the Mountain. Carved from rock by a glacier 30,000 years ago, it was a series of granite ledges that jutted out of a mountain in the shape of an old man's face. It was a top tourist attraction, and its image appeared on numerous state souvenirs. But in May 2003, it collapsed overnight, weakened by millennia of freezing and thawing. According to my reading of the astrological omens, Cancerian, this event has resemblances to an imminent disintegration in your own life. Like the original, your experience might be sad, but mostly for nostalgic reasons. No one will get hurt, and ultimately you'll feel exhilarated as you pick a new symbol to inspire you.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Can you name ten different beer brands but none of the Ten Commandments? That's one of 25 signs that you will ultimately go to hell, according to divinity professor Jacob Pinewood, quoted in the Weekly World News. Here are other behaviors that may cause you eternal damnation: using the F word more than once a day; coveting your neighbor's household appliances; watching five consecutive hours of TV; invoking the Lord's name in vain when you stub your toe; and mentally undressing any person who would be bad for you to get naked with. Luckily for you, Leo, you're now in an astrological phase when engaging in the above actions will not earn you a trip to the infernal regions. That's because you're in an unprecedented grace period when you have slack to burn. If I were you, though, I'd use my karmic credit more constructively than simply getting away with naughty things.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Janael Lee is a math teacher who suffers from muscular dystrophy and moves around with the aid of a scooter. Last January she was named Ms. Wheelchair Wisconsin, and began to work as an advocate for disabled people. A few months later, however, officials stripped her of her crown after a newspaper photo showed her standing up, which she does now and then for brief periods. "We can't have title holders out there walking when they're seen in public," the officials said. I believe you will soon experience a comparable demotion, Virgo. Maybe you used to be suited for a certain role that has cast you as an underdog, but you're too strong and healthy for that now
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): "Consistency is a highly overrated virtue," wrote William Falk in The Week. "I'm not ashamed to admit that I no longer believe half of what I was sure of ten years ago. You make mistakes, you get new information, you change your mind along the way. It's a natural process." I urge you to write out the preceding statement and tape it to your mirror or phone for the next seven days. You're in an astrological phase when you have everything to gain from changing your mind in a hundred different ways. I dare you to see what life is like when it's not filtered through your familiar opinions and theories.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Last February, three people got lost while riding their mountain bikes in California's San Bernardino National Forest. Luckily, they were rescued by emergency workers before any harm came to them. But the next day they returned to the woods to look for their bikes and got lost a second time. Again, help arrived in time, and they were escorted to safety. Don't be like them in the coming days, Scorpio. You're allowed to wander off-course and get saved once, but don't make the same mistake twice.