So forgive me if I can't get behind the orgy of cheap and easy piety that's greeted the death of this pope. Watching the talking twats on CNN pay their respects to this "universally beloved man of God" (how many of them have had premarital sex, I wonder?), to say nothing of the suddenly so reverent assholes on Fox News (Bill O'Reilly didn't have many nice things to say about the pope when he opposed the invasion of Iraq), is making me want to throw a bottle of lube through a stained-glass window.
Yeah, yeah: I'm sorry the old bastard's dead, I'm sorry the old bastard suffered. But I'm not so sorry that I won't stoop to working John Paul II into a column about zombie fetishism. I don't want to be a total asshole, however, so I'll close this week's column with a subject John Paul II approved of mightily: male chastity.
Here is some more info for CHASTE, the young man who wondered about the health consequences of spending a great deal of time locked in a male chastity device and being denied orgasms by his mistress:
1. The long-term inhibition of erections will lower your testosterone levels and make you calmer (and more subservient). 2. Your penis will shrink, and you will not get hard enough for intercourse. 3. However, your orgasms from oral or manual teasing will be incredible--multiple also.
I can't imagine a lot of men are going to be clamoring for male chastity devices after reading your letter, CB, but thanks for sharing.
For the record, folks, not every guy under lock and key is, like CHASTE or CB here, going for long stretches without erections and orgasms. Some women lock up their men's cocks only when they are not in use or when their husbands are out of sight. One of these women, writing at the male chastity website www.tpe.com/~altarboy, paints a slightly more enticing picture of male chastity devices. Locking up her husband's cock has brought them both "greater sexual pleasure by channeling his sexual energy away from masturbation and to having sex with me," she writes. "A woman will find that after her guy uses one of these he pays more attention, his erections last longer, his orgasms are more intense, and he can have more of them while making love."