By Jesse Marx
By Chris Parker
By Jake Rossen
By Jesse Marx
By Michelle LeBow
By Alleen Brown
By Maggie LaMaack
By CP Staff
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Sabotage all attempts at cooperation. Resist acts of unification. No matter what, refuse to forgive anyone. Your role models should be the Israeli rabbis who prayed for the failure of February's peace summit between prime minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian leader Magmud Abbas. APRIL FOOL! I was just kidding, of course. Don't you dare pray for continued dissonance, even if it seems to serve your short-range interests. It may not be obvious yet, but you're on the cusp of a breakthrough in your ability to blend your energies with others. You shouldn't let anything get in the way.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The mummified middle finger of Galileo's right hand is on display at a museum in Florence, Italy. I propose that you regard it as your sacred power object in the coming week. May it inspire you to flip the bird at everyone who crosses you. APRIL FOOL! While I do think you should derive inspiration from Galileo's middle finger, you should do so only at truly important moments. Not to express road rage, for God's sake; not to express disdain toward loudmouths using cell phones. Please, Taurus, flip a metaphorical bird only to protest the kind of high-level idiocy Galileo had to endure when the Church persecuted him for proving that the Earth revolves around the sun.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): To quote Malcolm X, you've been hoodwinked. You've been had. You've been lead astray. You've been bamboozled. Wake up and smell the deceit before it's too late, Gemini. APRIL FOOL! What I just said is a complete lie. Here's your real horoscope: You're actually very well-armed against illusion and delusion. At no other time in your life have you been less likely to get fooled or ripped off or manipulated. You have a sixth sense that allows you to sniff out hidden agendas that simmer beneath the official stories. This wonderful development is the result of your growing determination to be honest with yourself.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Several New Age futurists have predicted that the U.S. will someday have a Secretary of Prophecy, a cabinet-level official who uses shamanic insight to counsel the President on the health of the nation's soul. Personally, though, I can't imagine it will happen any time soon. And that's too bad, because I'm perfect for the job. My psychic powers are growing, as are my political skills, my practical compassion, and my vision of how to do what's best for the most people. APRIL FOOL! Everything I just bragged about is as much true about you as it is about me. We Crabs are in an astrological phase when many of us are becoming better equipped to serve as intuitive advisers to the powers-that-be. In fact, I suggest you start pushing for more responsibility and clout.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): It would be a good week for you to obtain a burglar alarm, self-defense pepper spray, and a psychic protection amulet advertised in the back of a tabloid. You should obsess on making yourself ultra-secure and absolutely safe. APRIL FOOL! I was just testing to see how gullible you are to the media's compulsive fear-mongering. The truth is, Leo, you're in a phase when you should expand your sense of adventure and increase your willingness to take smart risks. Instead of the burglar alarm, pepper spray, and amulet, why don't you get yourself something like a rope ladder, crocodile spear, and camel saddle?
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Renowned psychic Victoria Bullis is working on a cookbook filled with recipes she's channeling from dead celebrities, including Chris Farley, Princess Diana, and John F. Kennedy. Since you also have a talent for this kind of work right now, you might want to contact her and communicate your research. She's at www.victoriabullis.com. APRIL FOOL! While it's true that you have more access than usual to departed spirits, I suggest you use this privilege wisely--certainly not by seeking recipes from formerly famous people you never knew. Instead, seek help and insight from loved ones and friends you trusted while they were alive.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Remember that moment some time back when you buried your tear-stained face in your pillow and begged God to please send you your soul mate? I hate to say it, Libra, but I believe it's possible that God may have heard you incorrectly, thinking you said "cell mate" instead of "soul mate." That's the bad news. The good news is that it's an ideal time to fix that misunderstanding. I suggest you summon the same desperate longing that launched your prayer way back when, only this time clearly enunciate the words "soul mate." APRIL FOOL! God can read your mind, and always knows what you mean--if, that is, you know what you mean. Do you? This is a perfect time to figure out exactly what it is you really want in an intimate relationship.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): It's illegal to hunt whales in landlocked Utah, ride a bike in a swimming pool in California, and walk on your hands while crossing a street in Hartford, Connecticut. You risk arrest in Nova Scotia if you water a lawn while it's raining, and could be thrown in jail for eating ice cream on Sunday while on Ottawa's Bank Street. I recommend that you research all the similarly dumb laws that are on the books in your part of the world, and systematically break them. APRIL FOOL! You've got better revolts to attend to than that, Scorpio. Don't waste your time rebelling against irrelevant laws that few people know about. Direct your dissent at dumb rules that are truly hurtful.