By Jesse Marx
By Chris Parker
By Jake Rossen
By Jesse Marx
By Michelle LeBow
By Alleen Brown
By Maggie LaMaack
By CP Staff
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): I've decided to install Britney Spears as the Sagittarius of the Week. Not because of her singing or dancing, nor her eccentric relationship with the institution of marriage. Rather, I'm giving her temporary status as your role model because of her disdain for what anyone thinks of her. In recent weeks she has been photographed wandering down the sidewalk with white pimple cream liberally spread on her face. Other photos have revealed her picking her nose, wearing a white t-shirt stained brown from an apparent soft drink spill, and sporting a baseball hat bearing the slogan "Carpé Assüm: Seize the Ass." Be like her in your own sphere, Sagittarius: cheerfully immune to the oppression of public opinion, peer pressure, conventional wisdom, and the law of the pack.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): If you try to operate a chainsaw or backhoe before you've been trained in its use, you might hurt yourself or others. That doesn't mean the chainsaw and backhoe are evil. Now let's apply this idea as a metaphor for a situation you face right now. I believe you are at the earliest stages of your relationship with a freshly discovered potential. You've realized the benefits that it can ultimately offer you, but you're nowhere near being able to wield it safely and effectively. Having sounded this warning, however, I want to encourage you to begin learning how to use it immediately.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): "It's not that I'm so smart," said Albert Einstein, "it's just that I stay with problems longer." This thought should be your foundation in the coming week, Aquarius. As innovative as you can be in dreaming up solutions to knotty dilemmas, you are sometimes insufficiently devoted to the drudgery of executing all the details of your solutions; you don't always follow up on your promising beginnings. The good news is that this is a perfect moment to change that old pattern. I dare you to endure boredom for the sake of a very good cause.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Your official role model for the coming weeks is the Vietnamese freedom fighter, Trieu Thi Trinh, who resisted the Chinese occupation of her country in the third century. Unlike her, you shouldn't literally raise a rebel army, establish your own sovereign enclave, and ride into battle against the invaders on the back of an elephant. (Although it's fine to do all that stuff metaphorically.) Like her, you should agitate for liberation with unstinting exuberance, as if your soul's health depended on it. I suggest you write her most famous utterance on a piece of paper and carry it with you everywhere you go: "My wish is to ride the tempest, tame the waves, kill the harks. I will not resign myself."