By Andy Mannix
By Caleb Hannan
By Olivia LaVecchia
By CP Staff
By Aaron Rupar
By Jacob Wheeler
By Olivia LaVecchia
By Aaron Rupar
A IS FORAl Qaeda and amnesia. Are you old enough to remember when the war on terror was being fought against people who actually
B IS FORBush and Bin Laden. They hate each other, but they could never be the same without each other--just like lots of mommies and daddies!
C IS FORChalabi and the cap President Bush would like to pop in his ass. Ahmed Chalabi was the man America paid lots of money (over $340,000 a month) to make up scary stories about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction. But that's not why President Bush is mad at him. He's mad because last month Chalabi was caught trying to organize a coup against the US occupation forces. No more allowance for you, Chalabi.
D IS FORdirty bomb. Did you know a dirty bomb (that's a regular bomb with radioactive materials inside it) could render an area the size of Manhattan uninhabitable? Just imagine how much trouble you'd be in if you rendered an area the size of Manhattan uninhabitable! D is also for Department of Homeland Security. Do you know what the Department of Homeland Security would do if someone detonated a dirty bomb? Neither does the Department of Homeland Security!
E IS FORElection Day and end times. Many experts believe there will be another terrorist attack in America before Election Day. Other experts believe the president is only using the color-coded terror alerts to scare people into voting for him. And some millennial (muh-LEN-ee-ul) Christians don't really mind, because they believe we live in end times, meaning that sometime soon Jesus will invite all his friends up to Heaven and kill everybody else.
F IS FORfaith-based and Fox News. Do you know the difference between something that's faith-based, like President Bush's saying that God told him to invade Iraq, and something that's made up, like the evidence President Bush presented for invading Iraq? (Ha! Tricked you--there isn't any difference.)
G IS FORgoverning council and Gitmo. Let's use them both in a sentence: If the Iraqi governing council doesn't do what we want it to do, its members will all be sent to Gitmo.
H IS FORhegemony and Halliburton. Hegemony (huh-JEM-uh-nee) is when you're so big and powerful you can do anything you want, like appointing a horse to the Roman Senate or openly handing out billions of dollars in contracts to people everyone knows are your friends. H is also for hubris.
I IS FORIraq and ignorance and infantilism. Did you ever notice that when President Bush talks to grownups about Iraq, he talks to them like they were children--and they let him? Silly grownups!
J IS FORjihad and Jenna. Jihad (JEE-hod) is holy war against imperial, infidel Western elites (eh-LEETS). Jenna is the name of one of President Bush's daughters. Do you suppose jihad will still be going on when Jenna Bush becomes president?
K IS FORKerry and K-Y Jelly. Would you like the chance to be a hero when you grow up? President Bush wants you to have that chance! Did you know John Kerry would make you grow up and marry your best friend--and it would even mean kissing them and stuff? Ick!
M IS FOR"Mission Accomplished!" and memory hole.
N IS FORneocon and 'Nam.Do you remember being very little and having nightmares about monsters lurking in the shadows and hiding under beds? Well, guess what--they were neoconservatives, and they're so evil they make your grandma and grandpa miss Nixon!
O IS FORoil and occupation. When a president does something bad, he's supposed to get impeached. (Impeachment is a time-out that lasts until you die.) Do you want to know something funny? Occupying a country for its oil is not an impeachable offense, but oral sex is. We can't tell you why--better ask Mom or Dad about that!
P IS FORpretext, which democratic nations like ours must have before they can go to war, and the press, which is what very important people like presidents have in the place of pets. This will help you remember: The press helps presidents purvey their pretexts.
QIS FORQusay and quicksand. Qusay and Uday were the sons of
Saddam, and they were all very bad men. When your parents were younger--a whole year younger!--President Bush used to tell them a bedtime story about how the Iraqi resistance would fall apart when Qusay and Uday and Saddam were gone. (Ask them if they remember that story!) Quicksand is when you get into something you can't get out of.
R IS FORRumsfeld and Richard Clarke. Donald Rumsfeld is the secretary of defense. That makes him the top civilian official at the Pentagon. All the generals think he's nuts. His nickname is Rummy. Did you know that "rummy" is also a word for people who are so far gone they can't be trusted to do anything right? Richard Clarke wrote a book that said Donald Rumsfeld and President Bush and all their friends were bozos. (Bozos are people who have no idea what's really going on around them--kind of like rummies!)
S IS FORsooo many words. S is for Saddam and sadism (those prisoners will talk) and sodomy (we'll make them talk!) and Sunni and Shi'ite and--oh boy, our head already hurts! S is also for Saudi Arabia--wouldn't you be mad if your friends gave money to people who were trying to kill you? Not President Bush! He is a Christian, and Christians are supposed to forgive. He also loves oil. Does that make him an oily Christian?
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