Freedom Fries Are Not Enough

Comments (0) By City Pages Staff Wednesday, Mar 19 2003

Craig Mrusek

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Two weeks ago the U.S. House of Representatives rebuked France for interfering with American war plans by changing the name of the French fries offered in the House cafeteria to Freedom Fries. A week later the French general assembly retaliated by changing the name of its American fries to Frites de terrorisme à l'intiative de l'état, or State-Sponsored Terrorism Fries. If you believe it's time to turn up the heat on France, please print and send the following letter to President Bush.

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave. NW
Washington, DC 20500

Dear Mr. President,

As you pointed out to an aide early in your administration, the trouble with the French is that they have no word for "entrepreneur." More recent events have proven that this is not all they lack.

I applaud the House of Representatives' recent Freedom Fries resolution. But meanwhile another relic of French subversion--the Statue of Liberty, a gift from France in 1886--continues to sit undisturbed in New York Harbor. Mr. President, it is a ticking time bomb.

I ask that you take the following steps:

Detain telethon host and longtime French idol Jerry Lewis as a suspected terrorist, and send his bloated ass to Guantanamo Bay.
Immediately deport all French celebrities living or working in the U.S. (Oh, wait--there are no French celebrities!)
Digitally alter all Pepe Le Pew cartoons so that he dies in the end.
Redub all syndicated episodes of the 1960s sitcom Family Affair to change the name of the butler, Mr. French, to Mr. Freedom.

And finally, sir, please call French President Jacques Chirac and deliver the following message:

"Come and get your damn statue. We're goin' a new way."

My choice for the new statue in New York Harbor is checked below.

Sincerely,

__________________________