The Sex Issue

First-timers might feel uncomfortable going straight to the harness. (If this applies to you, let your latexed fingers do the talking and make "no glove, no love" your mantra.) But the faster you move beyond the video, the better: Bend Over Boyfriend features many unsavory-looking couples twisting themselves into compromising positions. Somehow, it's hard to take an instructional video seriously when it helps you peer directly into the chocolate starfish of some guy called Cupcake Jones.

OVERALL RATING: **** 4

 

Lube Sampler Pack

Lube is the best intimacy enhancer money can buy, hands down--or hands up and down, if you prefer. It makes Fleshlights smoother, Rabbit Pearls easier to insert, and any natural tool of the trade into a readymade Slip 'n Slide. In fact, if we had our way, the next sexual revolution would begin with replacing every soap pump in America with a lube dispenser.

Wetter is always better, and this particular lube variety pack allows you to pick from a virtual tapas bar of pocket-sized samples: Hydra-Smooth, Astroglide, Elbow Grease Light, Eros, ID Lube, Liquid Silk, Maximus, Probe, Slippery Stuff Gel, and Slippery Stuff Liquid. Of the lot, Astroglide--which, if you ask us, deserves an extra "s" after its first letter--is truly the sodomite's best friend. Sure, it doesn't stink like oranges or make an aloe and vitamin E face mask for your orifices, but it glides like the Ice Capades. Save the baby oil for the baby.

OVERALL RATING : ********** 10

 

NightLight Condoms

There are few things that any man requires in life: physical dominion over his younger brother, World Series rings for his favorite ballclub, and the ability to see his own erect penis glowing in the dark. NightLights are the first and only glow-in-the-dark condoms that are FDA-approved for preventing pregnancy and STDs. And anyone who thinks that means they don't qualify as sex toys has never seen them in action. Expose them to light for 30 seconds and you'll be blessed with the green lightsaber Luke Skywalker never had.

These contraceptive glowsticks are almost as revolutionary as the birth control pill. Don't most breaches of bediquette stem from the clumsy obscurities of plug and socket? Who hasn't cringed when the lights go out and a once-obvious orifice suddenly becomes elusive? Or when, because of blind maneuvering, the instrument of your manly pride dislodges with a hollow thup? NightLights solve all such dilemmas.

Perhaps the best thing about NightLights, though, is that they restore a sense of humor to an act that can be taken way too seriously. When you're emitting animal grunts, sharing strangely shaped protuberances, and going through movements that no one should see outside of yoga class, it's good to have an excuse to laugh.

OVERALL RATING: ******** 8

 

Sex Toys We'd Like to See
STORY BY CITY PAGES STAFF
ILLUSTRATIONS BY ELECTRIC 69

Beep Moi™ Vibrator-Pager

Gives new meaning to the phrase "booty call." This strap-on accessory combines the discreet charm of a Remote Butterfly vibrator with the utility of a silently vibrating Motorola pager--all in one slim, battery-powered, jelly-rubber device. Perfect for crowded rooms and dull parties. Advanced models hum at different speeds for different callers.

 

Whoring Maximo™ Furry Sex Doll with Instant Messaging

Ideal for teddy-bear fetishists, this plush line of stuffed sex toys translates instant messages into spoken words and vice versa, allowing for two-way conversations in a voice that sounds like lovable, dirty old Grover. Anatomically correct.

 

Every Breath I Take™ Chastity Belt with GPS Tracking System

Bringing BDSM into the age of surveillance, this locking metal undergarment comes in either male or female models, both complete with a miniature GPS Tracking System. The shield and chains allow for waste evacuation, but prevent masturbation and sex. The belt also records the location and movement of the wearer, including address and duration of stay.

 

Easy Diver™ Oxygen Mask for Underwater Oral Sex

By allowing the wearer to breathe safely and comfortably through the nose while underwater, this half-mask frees up the mouth for better uses. Ideal for hot tubs and shark cages.

 

General Sherman™ Vibrating Razor

Heating up skin while burning off hair, this plug-in massage-razor combines the pleasures of intimate shaving with the warmth of a heated vibrator. Advanced S&M models tug at individual follicles, as in old razor ads from the 1970s.

 

The Denigrator™ Talking Dildo

Available in both Pillow Talk(tm) and Cheap Date(tm) models, this semi-realistic silicone dildo comes complete with a recording device at the base to play messages when in use. Advanced models include a motion detection system that cues a variety of prerecorded greetings for anyone who comes across the toy in the dresser drawer: "Sorry, honey, you just can't compete"; "You talkin' to me? Well, I'm the only one here. Who the fuck do you think you're talkin' to?"; "Hands off, Billy!"

 

How to Lose a Dozen Men
(and One Woman)
in 11 Days

by Sarah Sawyer
Illustrations by Electric 69

My love life hasn't exactly been the kind that leads to marriage. I've been asked to lie to my dates' wives, baby-sit their children, distract the outraged strippers that followed them to my apartment, hide moonshine in a tree stump while the Tennessee State Troopers searched our campsite, and talk those same officers out of ticketing us for public nudity. Once, a lover of mine asked me to call Live Links, pretend to be a stranger, and have phone sex with him. I complied, only to have him leave me for another woman in the chat room. Now, I regard the word girlfriend as a synonym for sucker.

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