The Sex Issue

Before you're tempted to cart it along to your nephew's baptism, though, remember: This little device grinds and wails like you've got a lawn mower shoved down your pants. Unless you want to make everyone around you into budding lepidopterists, best to use it at home.

OVERALL RATING: ********* 9

 

P-Spot Plug

"What's the big deal about a butt plug?" the ever-playful Village Voice sex columnist Tristan Taormino once asked. "It just plugs the butt? You mean it doesn't light up or spin while it's in there? It can't burn CDs or store data? It's not a two-way pager or a PlayStation external device?"

It's true: This anal stopper won't even do so much as take your temperature. And with its skinny head, fat, sloping body, and a profile not unlike that of Notorious B.I.G., this thing ain't winning any beauty pageants. But a real penis is a marvelous, bliss-inducing instrument, and it doesn't exactly dress to the nines and release rainbow-colored sparks when it's ready to be used. As with a penis, the delight of the plug is in feelings of friction and fullness. If you've never had a toe-curling prostate-induced orgasm before, no matter what your sexual orientation, the P-Spot Plug can help you become the Indiana Jones of your own asshole, exploring the Southern Hemisphere, making discoveries. Plus, when you're going through all that excavation, it's comforting to know that the P-Spot encounters all "foreign substances" in your stead, leaving your now-very-clean fingers free for other tasks.

First-time users might be cautious of its size: At four inches in length and nearly two inches in diameter, it could make for a slightly uncomfortable initial entry, possibly meaning that your toilet will need a morning-after visit from Tidy Bowl. If you're willing to make the journey, though, it gets easier with time.

OVERALL RATING: ******* 7

 

I Rub My Duckie

Why are so many female sex toys shaped like cute little animals? Anyone with double X chromosomes has so many butterflies, bunnies, birds, and ducks flocking around her hips, you'd think she had St. Francis of Assisi hidden in her knickers. It's strange: There's nothing especially erotic about a duck--unless, of course, that particular duck is sitting on Taye Diggs's lap, right next to a big ol' bottle of lube. Which makes you think: Why can't the manufacturers at Good Vibrations create a vibrator that's a plastic replica of someone as cute as Justin Timberlake? (Most of us would love to fuck his brains out, but unfortunately, it looks like said brains are already gone.)

Still, if you can stomach the idea of choosing the mallard over the man, you won't be disappointed. With its pleasant face and chubby yellow body, this waterproof bath-time companion looks and floats just like the one Ernie had on Sesame Street. In fact, it's probably just like the one you had back in preschool. And if its vibrations also recall the one you had back in preschool, then you had one lucky childhood.

Squeeze the waterbird's middle, and its beak and tail flicker very faintly. Because you can't alter the speed of the vibrations, and because the toy is meant for external pleasure only (what, no Go-Go-Gadget Tail?), this duckie probably won't deliver waves of mind-blowing pleasure or create a monsoon in your tub. As a subtle aphrodisiac, though, I Rub My Duckie does pretty well. When you're looking for a little tub fun, all you really need is something to get you wet.

OVERALL RATING: ******* 7

 

Kama Sutra Game

The idea that anyone would need a board game specifically designed to facilitate foreplay sounds a bit specious. Any type of play is a good aphrodisiac: If Monopoly came with a free sample of K-Y Liquid, no one would ever make it past St. Charles Place. Then again, Milton Bradley never manufactured a board where you can land on a space that reads, "Remove all clothing from the top of your body and go back three spaces." Kama Sutra is like the X-rated version of the Game of Life: You roll the dice, advance a few spaces, and follow the heterosexually bent instructions listed either on the square where you land or on the Kama Sutra Game card you're told to pick up. But if you're hoping that the ink will command, "Show us your tits!" you'll be sadly mistaken. Much of the therapy-session-like text has less smut-mouth appeal than an Eve Ensler play.

"If your private parts could speak to your lover," one card asks you to answer, "what would it tell them? What would it ask for?" To which any remotely intelligent female should reply, "For God's sake, shut up so I can get stuffed already!"

OVERALL RATING: ** 2

 

My First Cock Ring

Dan Savage once suggested that if two gay men really want to profess their undying love for each another, they should exchange cock rings at their wedding. Gay or straight, it's good advice: With this country's reputation for short partnerships, slipping a bolo tie around Mini-Me means that your erection might just last longer than your marriage. Arrange My First Cock Ring's three-inch-diameter band around your better half (family jewels and all), move the silver latch up to lock the size, and your southern circulatory system will create a flesh antenna so taut that you'll pick up radio stations from Bangladesh.

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