By Rob van Alstyne
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By Emily Eveland
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By Emily Weiss
Editor's note: Vicious Vicious is pop's answer to Loveline: His debut album Blood and Clover (self-released), offers tips on how to deal with a long-distance relationship, how to sensually shake your ass to "Dancing Queen," and which sexual positions won't force your girlfriend to pretend she's in a Clairol Herbal Essences commercial. (Kitchen sink lovin'? Apparently "not so great.") Because he's proven himself to be an authority on such matters, we've asked the man, also known as Erik Appelwick, to answer anonymous love questions from local musicians, Picked to Click voters, and even one City Pages staff member. But be forewarned: If his advice results in humiliation, pregnancy, and/or some sort of strange rash, City Pages will not be held responsible.
I've seen a cute person around town--at shows, at Treehouse Records--for over a year now, and this person has seen me too. We have friends in common, but have never been formally introduced. Now it feels too late to say hello like a normal person: There's too much awkwardness from pointedly ignoring one another due to our mutual shyness. What can be done about this predicament?
--NO to war
This one is easy: One of your mutual friends has a party with lotsa booze. You "accidentally" drink too much [insert beverage of choice here] and throw yourself at Cute Person with the reckless abandon of a grizzly mauling a hapless camper. Either of two things ensues:
A) You and Cute Person end up making out in the backyard by the tiki torches and discarded plastic cups. Eventually you start making trips to Treehouse together. Within five years, you're making babies--all of which are named after me as a token of gratitude for my advice.
B) You make a complete ass out of yourself. You can never look Cute Person in the eye again. Cute Person thinks you're a lush and tries harder than ever to avoid eye contact--not to be mistaken for shyness. Now you can go about the business of pointlessly admiring someone else from afar.
What do you do when your boy gives terrible head? After repeated attempts to guide, advise, instruct, and everything else, I've completely given up on getting any true satisfaction. (And by "true" I mean clitoral, not the second-tier vaginal orgasm that boys seem to think is so terribly important.) Do they even know that a girl never, ever forgets The Boy Who Gives Good Head, even if he sucks at everything else?
--TIP (Twat in Pain)
To be fair, I have to ask, what's in it for him? Is there a two-way street of love, or are you a big carnal cul-de-sac of greed? For the purposes of this article, we'll assume the former. If you've tried everything to help him figure out how to satisfy your needs, then he's probably too eager to smoke that post-coital cigarette or watch King of the Hill reruns. You should decide whether the guy is worth your time or not.
My girl can always keep herself awake for the boring Kurosawa films she chooses at the video store, but any time I get to pick a movie, she's asleep in the first few minutes! It doesn't make a difference if I pick some kickass Vin Diesel flick or some vaguely chick-flicky movie. And when I wake her up, she gets pissed. Should she pop some Vivarin, or am I just flipping out for no reason?
--Sleepless in Uptown
Movies, schmoovies. It sounds like you and your girl need to find some other way to while away the hours. Try any combination of the following: bike ride, cocktails, sensual massage, long walk around the lake, cocktails, salsa dancing, arm wrestling, pie-eating contest, bird watching, cocktails, sex, fishing...check out a band, for fuck's sake!
Or maybe drink some cocktails. If it must be movies, then I suggest National Geographic films or fencing tutorials. But for God's sake, get offa the couch!
Why do chicks always go for guitarists? I've been playing drums in this town for a long time, and I never get any play! It doesn't help that the guitarist in my band gets to play up front onstage while I get hidden in the back where no girls can see me. What can I do to steal the limelight back from him and become the sex symbol I was meant to be?
Try one of these sure-fire tips: Get a Tommy Lee drum cage (à la Mötley Crüe tours circa '89). Send yourself out over the audience in that rotating steel cage--this way, you can really get the exposure you need. Black leather, mascara, face paint, mall hair, and tattoos are also great for catching the eye of that special groupie. If you have, um, "drum-riser envy," you could always get an Austin Powers Drum Riser Enlargement Kit, which I've seen on eBay as well as in my junk-mail folder.
How do you know when you've found "the one"?
--Johnny-Lee No Luck
Sorry Johnny-Lee, the best advice I can give you is to not hold your breath. Earthquakes and other natural wonders are scientifically proven to have no correlation to true, fated love. Nor will you "feel all tingly inside," wet your pants, or compulsively do the mashed potato. That said, if you think you've found "the one," then you probably have. Hell, why not? Stranger things have happened.