The Body

The Broadway musical Jesse Ventura never wanted you to hear

p.s. let Me know if you need arnie's phone number.

 

TO: Jesse Ventura

FROM: Heath Quincy-Browne

SUBJECT: re: re: Casting

Dear Friend: That would be Zero Mostel. He's Jewish, not Greek. Or I should say he WAS Jewish--because he's dead. And he's been dead for 25 years! He's been dead even longer than Yul Brynner (poor fellow perished 17 years ago).

I really don't know why we're having this discussion. It's a waste of your time and mine. Yes, we have talked about Mr. Esiason or Mr. Hasselhoff filling the lead role, but it's still very much up in the air. As I said before, we CANNOT cast the musical until it has actually been written. Can we please drop this subject, Mr. Venture [sic]? Best, HQB

 

TO: Heath Quincy-Browne

FROM: Jesse Ventura

SUBJECT: re: re: re: Casting

okay mr. smarty pants. not everyone is as up to snuff on their musical theater trivia as you are. I guess yul and the greek guy are out then.

what about ozzy osbourne? I know he's a little puffy right now, but when I was a Navy SEAL, Me and My buddies went to see a black sabbath show and it really rocked. IRON MAN!!!! Or maybe mick jagger? do you know if bruce willis can sing? Or how about ving rhames, that bald, black bad-ass from pulp fiction?

as for Terry, how about sally struthers? or is it sally field I'm thinking of? you know--the one who played forest [sic] gump's mom. or what about ... cher!?!? that babe from seinfeld? THE GUV

 

p.s. here's arnie's home phone:
313.555.2232. don't pass it around!

 

TO: Jesse Ventura

FROM: Heath Quincy-Browne

SUBJECT: re: re: re: re: Casting

Dear Friend: Obviously we're having a communication problem. If you are going to ignore every single thing I say, this will be a very long and stressful process. I am already taking twice as much Zoloft as my doctor prescribed. And I'm up to three martinis at tea time. I really don't need any more stress in my life. Please, can we drop this conversation?!

Rest assured that Mr. Dolginoff, Mr. Cossette, and I will cross these bridges when we get to them. You must trust us. HQB

 

TO: Heath Quincy-Browne

FROM: Jesse Ventura

SUBJECT: re: re: re: re: re: Casting

I think I've got just the guy to play Tyrrel [sic]. do you remember that movie with that funny guy ferris bueller? Tyrel loved that movie. in fact, he and his new friend from hollywood had the cast from "full house" over to the mansion last night to watch it on dvd. that guy mathew brodrick [sic] would be perfect. do you think he's available? As for Jade, how about that katie holmes girl? Or is it kate hudson I'm thinking of? The one who's on that TV show, dawson's creek. THE GUV

 

p.s. have you ever tried one of those onion wheat hoagie thingies?

 

TO: Jesse Ventura

FROM: Heath Quincy-Browne

SUBJECT: The End

Friend: I'm sorry, but I cannot take this anymore. I will no longer be responding to your insipid inquiries. Please desist. May God help you.

 

TO: Heath Quincy-Browne

FROM: Jesse Ventura

SUBJECT: re: The End

Huh?

EXCERPTS FROM THE SCRIPT

 

ACT II, SCENE II

 

Ventura is now a talk-radio host, suburban mayor, and family man. It seems he has settled down. But, as this scene will illustrate, he can't help but feel the pull of power politics.

The setting is pure, small-town America: an Independence Day parade on the Main Street of Annandale, Minnesota, in 1996. Ventura is on hand to campaign for his friend Dean Barkley, a long-shot candidate for U.S. Senate.

 

[There's a parade under way. Costumed townsfolk ride on homemade floats, waving sparklers, streamers, and balloons. A band marches behind them, playing a John Philip Sousa classic--tubas, trombones, etc. Firecrackers pop on the curbside, where a crowd has gathered. Above them, a large American flag, its stars and stripes accented with glitter, waves proudly. Ventura and Dean Barkley bring up the rear on foot. Ventura is dressed in jeans, a black Navy T-shirt, and matching do-rag. Barkley wears a white, short-sleeve shirt with a brown tie and khakis.]

BARKLEY: You know, Jesse, there's something about parades that always kinda depresses me.

VENTURA: [not listening, head bobbing, chomping gum] I love this kinda crowd. Beer drinkers and old ladies. They always love me.

BARKLEY: Which ones?

VENTURA: Which what?

BARKLEY: The beer drinkers or the old ladies? Which ones love you?

VENTURA: Whoever's smart enough to see I'm one of them. [cracks gum] Hey, Deano, ya wanna get a coupla brats?

[Ventura and Barkley walk off the street and take a few steps upstage to a small sausage stand. The parade continues.]

BARKLEY: [despondent] Jesse, listen to me. Look, I'm a true believer in the American values that this parade represents. But parades always remind me what a nobody I am. I mean, this is my hometown, and nobody seems to even care that I'm running for senate. Look at them. All they care about is swilling beer, eating brats, and...

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