Taking Care of Business

Faux Jean applies for the job of Best Band in the World

Dear Faux Jean,

Your band's name has been frequently mentioned by our esteemed panel of local music judges at Picked to Click. But the honor of winning this poll--and the mettle required to live up to its responsibilities--is a stern test for youthful musicians, men and women driven by the flames of creativity and ambition but not tested by the embers of adversity and doubt. In other words, voters be damned: We don't know if you deserve to win. And so we politely--but firmly--request that Faux Jean fill out an application for the modest position of "Pretty Good Band from Minneapolis."

Your mission, should you choose to accept it:

Fill out the following job application. Please note that those submissions including puns and/or witty retorts will receive preference. The written section of the application will account for 50 percent of the job qualification. The other 50 percent will be decided on the basis of an on-site demonstration of practical skills: You will be asked to sing for your supper by busking along Nicollet Mall to see if you can earn more money in an hour than you have thus far earned on MP3.com. You will plead with strangers to listen to you play on the corner on the same day that U2--the Grammy-endorsed "Best Band in the World"--rocks out effortlessly before a sold-out audience at the Target Center.

We would like nothing more than to reward your earnest songwriting and diligent practice sessions with a humiliating "character-building" experience such as this. And, as your mother has probably also told you: Someday, you'll thank us.

 

Sincerely,
Melissa Maerz
CEO
Picked to Click

 

THE APPLICATION: GET A JOB, SHA NA NA NA, SHA NA NA NA NA
(as filled out by Faux Jean, the lead singer of the band with the same name)

Name: Faux Jean

Last position held in a band: Moderator

Reason for leaving previous band: Lack of moderation

Education and Rock Influence: Grew up in Duluth...[Watched] the Replacements get drunk and thought, "I could do that." Remember sitting in the parking lot at Duluth East in 11th grade, waiting for my sister to come out to the car. Somebody was blasting "My Favorite Thing" out their car window and this cute sophomore girl started dancing in a good way and something crystallized. Had marched around town in Zeppelin half-shirts till that point.

Expected salary (garnered fromMP3.com sales): Millions eventually, I reckon. My goal is to take the money that we earn there and do what Limp Bizkit did: Pay radio stations to play our music. If the interns of [Faux Jean's record label] the New Fidelity can make it work by networking with teens in Mongolia, we'll be fine.

Most rock 'n' roll achievement (note--articles of clothing are not achievements): Being Prince's waiter. (He tips well, BTW.)

Do you have any special skills (e.g., wielding a mean drumstick, building a better bouffant, etc.)? The only skill that counts is convincing a bunch of people to learn your songs and be in your band and put up with your lazy-schmuck ass and miss watching Friends with the lady on Thursdays so you can practice and then go into a club and make sex with the audience occur.

Do you have any physical condition that would prevent you from lifting 50 lbs. of pure rock? (From the workers' safety manual: Remember to lift with the knees): Pure rock is weightless, like most ideas.

Morality test: If one of your co-workers were caught lifting guitar riffs off Sixties mod bands, what would you do? Would you contact your employer about the stolen merchandise? Keith Richards says that one does not own a song, but that the song, which already exists, comes to the dude or chick, sitting on their bed playing guitar, piano, or whatever. The only reason we want to get paid for our ideas is so we can pay our phone bills and the hired help at the villa in Jamaica. [If we] don't try lifting string arrangements based on Stones tunes, Keef should maintain his tune.

Tell me about a time you compromised your principles for a gig.

The trick is to fly without principles.

Have you received any previous awards or recognition?

ASCAP (American Society of Composers, Authors, and Publishers) kicks me a little chunk [of cash] as a budding writer to keep my chin up and offset membership dues and like that, which is nice. I was also touched when Matt Wilson produced the first record I ever made with Steel Shank.

Why do you want this position? How are we going to supplant Roxette and Ace of Base as the biggest Western acts in Mongolia if we're not the Best Band in the World?

What would you like to be doing in five years? Not waiting on Prince. (Sorry, dude.)

Comments? While I have been asked to apply for the job of Pretty Good Band from Minneapolis, my ego insists that "pretty good" is dashed out and the application is held on file until U2 steps down and the Faux Jean band can be considered for Best Band in the World.

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