By Andy Mannix
By Caleb Hannan
By Olivia LaVecchia
By CP Staff
By Aaron Rupar
By Jacob Wheeler
By Olivia LaVecchia
By Aaron Rupar
STATE OF CALIFORNIA
COUNTY OF LOS ANGELES
PLAINTIFF ALLY McBEAL, by her attorneys McKenzie, Brackman, Chaney, and Kuzak, brings this action for damages and other legal and equitable relief from Defendant David E. Kelley for violations of laws including discrimination and sexual harassment in employment, stating and alleging the following:
1. Plaintiff Ally McBeal is a practicing attorney employed by a law firm located in Boston, Massachusetts. The firm specializes in civil litigation and employment law, and Plaintiff is a trial lawyer in good standing.
2. This firm is substantially owned and directed by Defendant, David E. Kelley, a graduate of Boston University Law School and a licensed attorney in the State of Massachusetts.
3. During the six-week period of her employment, Plaintiff has experienced an atmosphere of sexual innuendo, including (but not limited to) the following areas:
4. The Defendant, on a weekly basis--beginning September 8, 1997 and continuing to the present--devoted gratuitous attention to Plaintiff's body. This "eye grope" was applied to Plaintiff's corporeal presence in whole, including (but not limited to) the lips, legs, hips, buttocks, and greater gluteal area (known colloquially as "the ass").
5. Plaintiff was compelled by Defendant to wear attire inconsistent with the standards of her profession. This wardrobe most frequently involved skirts cut more than six inches above the knees (also referred to as "showing some thigh"); uncomfortably elevated footwear ("fuck-me pumps"); and superfluously unbuttoned blouses ("hooter-tops").
6. Defendant effectively "broadcast" these undesired sexual attentions to 11 million Americans (as estimated by the A.C. Nielsen Company in a sworn deposition). Among these "viewers" are a disproportionate number of 18- to 49-year-olds, constituting Plaintiff's professional and peer group.
7. Defendant hired Ally McBeal in part due to her close physical resemblance to his wife, Michelle Pfeiffer: the popular star of such movies as Grease 2, Scarface, and Ladyhawke. This resemblance between Plaintiff and Ms. Pfeiffer reflects their respective corporeal presences in whole, including (but not limited to) the lips, legs, hips, buttocks, and greater gluteal area.
8. Defendant induced Ally McBeal to devote undue verbal scrutiny to her sexual gratification--effectively "putting words in her mouth." Plaintiff's compulsory conduct has taken the form of needless verbosity ("babbling"), inconstant and overwrought emotions ("brooding"), and excessive equivocation ("waffling").
9. David E. Kelley has maintained the public posture that such comportment is "romantic"--despite its deleterious effects on Plaintiff's professional livelihood.
10. On September 22, 1997, Defendant coerced Ally McBeal--without her consultation or consent--to state the following with regard to Ronald Chaney, an attorney involved in business with Plaintiff's firm: "What? He can't be a man and palm me a little? I'm a sexual object for god's sake. What, he can't give me a little grope?" This sentiment, which is not representative of Plaintiff's held beliefs, prompted 34 percent of 18- to 49-year-old men to knowingly or unknowingly imagine themselves touching Ally McBeal--as affirmed in the sworn deposition of the A.C. Nielsen Company. (Nielsen also reports that a considerable percentage of these men then knowingly or unknowingly touched themselves.)
11. Beginning November 3, 1997, Defendant has encouraged farcical and immaterial claims of sexual harassment in the workplace, involving Plaintiff's administrative assistant Elaine Vassal and an unnamed "mail girl." In so doing, Defendant has effectively cast Ally McBeal as a malcontent, a malingerer, or even a malefactress, creating a hostile environment for Plaintiff to seek legitimate redress.
12. The only lavatorial facilities available to Ally McBeal, and other women at the firm, is a mixed-gender bathroom (known in the office and referred to hereafter as "the Unisex"). Plaintiff's immediate supervisors, Richard Fish and John Cage, have entered the Unisex stalls for the dubious purposes of conducting a sexual tryst and feigning seated urination (although not with each other--to the best of the Plaintiff's knowledge).
13. On November 10, 1997, Plaintiff went so far as to ask co-worker William "Billy" Thomas to "turn on the faucet" in order to alleviate her humiliation amidst stressful and injurious commodial accommodations. According to the sworn depositions of the A.C. Nielsen Company, up to 6 million American men between the ages of 18 and 49 now think about the Plaintiff while going to the bathroom; half again as many experience similar effects from the sound of any low-volume running water (known colloquially as "a tinkle").
14. Yet to date, Defendant has offered no remedy to the Unisex situation--or any others.
PRAYER FOR RELIEF
WHEREFORE Plaintiff Ally McBeal prays that this People's Court enter a judgment in favor of the Plaintiff and against the Defendant as follows:
(A) For compensatory damages in an amount in excess of $100,000 for each continuing weekly episode of mental anguish and distress.
(B) According to the published assertions of mutual acquaintance and nightclub entertainer Vonda Shepard, "David [E.] Kelley's really got a grasp on the female psyche." Plaintiff, above and beyond any pecuniary relief, prays the court return that psyche, posthaste.
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