By Jesse Marx
By Chris Parker
By Jake Rossen
By Jesse Marx
By Michelle LeBow
By Alleen Brown
By Maggie LaMaack
By CP Staff
Dubious inventions from the U.S. Patent Office
No. 5588895: Angel action-figure doll
ABSTRACT: An angel action-figure doll comprising a small adjustable mannequin. A wing assembly is also provided. A structure is for mounting the wing assembly against a back of the small adjustable mannequin. A halo is worn on a head of the small adjustable mannequin, to simulate a conventional representation of an immortal, spiritual being superior to humans, that is an attendant and messenger of God, which can be used as a plaything of a child.
No. 5533928: Animal-head processing apparatus
ABSTRACT: The apparatus includes two stations in the processing of an animal head in a meat-processing line. The first station is for templing where the station has a cup for receiving the jaw and a spindle to engage the skull. Both the spindle and cup are rotatable and are moved toward each other to engage an animal head on the work surface. The spindle and cup rise to raise the head above the work surface for templing both sides of the head without manually lifting the head. The next station holds the head in a jawbone-up position. The head is retained by a cup holding the nose and a pin engaging the skull and pushing the nose into the cup. At this station, a power-assisted chisel is provided to chisel the meat away from the skull. In addition, a bar engages the lower jaw and, when chiseling is complete, the bar is raised to separate the jaw. The jaw and remaining skull move further along the processing line for separation of the meat and further processing.
No. 5415579: Doll with pivoting eyeballs, heartbeat, voice means, burping sounds, and actuating transmitter
ABSTRACT: A doll constructed with a body having a head with at least one eye comprising a pivotal eyeball assembly pivotally retained in a casing. A first arm extends from a main portion of the eyeball assembly and a solenoid with a movable solenoid bolt and a second arm and mechanical assembly movable by the solenoid bolt pivots the eyeball between first and second positions simulating a closed and open eye... This is accomplished when a receiver in the doll no longer receives a signal transmitted from a transmitter carried by the child. The doll appears to awaken when the child leaves the room.
No. 5599275: Apparatus for stretching a penis
ABSTRACT: A device for lengthening a penis is provided having two semicircular parts connected by a hinge so that the semicircular parts can be opened and closed, and so that the device is adjustable to a variety of widths. A retaining ring is provided to maintain the semicircular parts in a closed position. The semicircular parts fit around the penis and are weighted to lengthen the penis over time.