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I know a Dalmatian who is extremely vigilant about pacing through his house and yard looking for the mysterious creature he knows resides somewhere therein, and then, whenever this Dalmatian farts, he races around, barking in a hysterical frenzy, looking for the source of the noise. He is a dog enraptured with his own butt.
I think that when this dog dies he will come back as a fart-obsessed web-master, like fart-mogul Dr. Breefs, the genius behind farts.com, the Fart Mart, and 900-ALL-FARTS--and quite possibly the only person ever to derive income from actual farts. At his Squeek of the Week page you can download audio files of farts, and can read analyses of them. In order to access archival farts fart-fans have to call the 900 number to get an access code--and pony up $1.99. These fart-enthusiasts will learn to distinguish between: Fart-ites which "cannot be longer than .25 seconds in sound duration," Fart-sies: "Farts ranging from .25 to .5 seconds in duration, Flatus majors: "between .5 and 1 second long," mongo farts: "between 1 and 5 seconds long, over 85% of these farts occur in private where there is nobody around to hear it except the farter. Nature works in strange ways, does it not?" and the highly sought after "hu-mongo farts....that last over 5 seconds in sound duration." Once fart-fanciers are well versed in fart-taxonomy and vocabulary they become both more precise in their discourse, and are able to engage in fart philosophy, tackling koans such as "If a deaf person is alone, and they rip a loud-ass humongo fart, is it technically an SBD?"
Once fart-fanciers learn the basics of fart identification from Dr. Breefs, they can move on to more complicated sites, like that hosted by AlienSoft, which documents even the rarest farts, such as: "THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART: This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, "My, my", or "Well, well". There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person's fart as there is."
Once exposed to the vast world of farts, fart-lovers may find themselves wishing to fart more, and with more variety, and so should immerse themselves in fart-science, as Margaret C. McDonald has: "Most of us pass somewhere between 200 and 2,000 ml of gas per day (average, about 600 ml) in roughly 13-14 passages," McDonald explains helpfully. "These emissions are composed of five gases: nitrogen (N2), oxygen (O2), carbon dioxide (CO2), hydrogen (H2), and methane (CH4).... These gases accumulate when the digestive system's assortment of resident bacteria,[there are between 107 and 1,015 varieties in your intestines right now,] acting like microscopic gas factories, begin the task of digesting our latest meal....Gas is basically produced by foods that have undigestible or excess carbohydrates, which are not absorbed when they get to the colon....Beans, for example, have complex carbohydrates that are maldigested. And the same holds true for mushrooms... mushrooms contain a unique sugar called raffinose, which humans can't break down [so do] cabbages and onions....When a group of young men, in the service of science, feasted on a diet rich in pork and beans, their flatus elimination increased from 15 ml to 176 ml per hour! ...but what about the noise?.... The loud ones are basically a function of three things...the volume of gas, the force with which it is expelled, and the presence of hemorrhoids or other anatomical features that could resonate...."
Excitement also increases the rate of farting, since it speeds food through the digestive system, and so do undigestible sugars like sorbitol, the stuff in many sugar-free products.
Dr. Breefs also recommends that fart-lovers "Drink more carbonated beverages. If you have lactose intolerance, increase your intake of milk and milk products. Add large amounts of fiber to your diet. Cut down on (or if possible, eliminate) all exercise-especially any aerobic activity....Smoke cigarettes, [and] ask your dentist to provide you with poorly fitting dental implants or dentures."
However, the fart-enamored would be wise to consider the perils of farting. While it may be, er, apocraphol, the story of Jason, "the tragic victim of a [fart-lighting] freak 'suck-back,'" which left him "blown wide open... with a noticeable limp and a profound speech impediment," is sobering. But even more sobering is the theory that dinosaurs were driven to extinction by flautus: "The extinction of the dinosaur and the rise of the mammal coincide at about 70 million years ago has led scientists to the 'furry fart theory.' With the mammals came the first true farts. The addition of extra methane and hydrogen sulfide to the air polluted the dinosaur's system and eventually came to interrupt the shell-forming glands of these reptiles. The soft eggs easily broke when jostled. With fewer eggs surviving, fewer and fewer dinosaurs survived until none were left."
Perhaps that Dalmatian I know is on to something--farts just might be a terrible, fearsome danger, and not just to your nose.
