By Alan Scherstuhl
By Mark Holcombe
By Scott Foundas
By Nick Pinkerton
By Michael Atkinson
By Scott Foundas
By Keith Phipps
By Alan Scherstuhl
The Lost World: Jurassic Park
UBERRASCHUNG INDUSTRIES Pty. Ltd. proudly announces the release of its newest Objection Eradicator and Aesthetic Leveler, the SAS97. Motoring confidently in the tracks of its predecessor, the JP93, the SAS97 is a defiantly new and improved Mass Taste Distraction Unit guaranteed to meet all your group diversion needs. It has been affectionately called The Lost World: Jurassic Park by its developers, in honor of its globally functional ability to erase the subject's memories of any higher experiences, within any cultural contexts.
The SAS97 was tested under suitably adverse and varied conditions, ranging from the Jeg Vet Ikke ice fields of Lappland to the Jardin des Betes Stupides rain forest of tropical Noa Nuthin. This new unit represents the ideal and ultimate premillennial conquest of opposites: Highly experienced psycho-engineering and digital-manipulation skills, attainable only by voting-age adults, have been applied to emotional-reaction and visceral-stimulation outcomes measured at the broadest possible preadolescent levels. We are certain that resistance will be futile (though isolated skepticism may occur).
This guaranteed Infantilization Conversion Result perfectly serves the corporate and territorial arena in which the SAS97 must function: the Seasonal Population Heat-Avoidance Event Horizon. As in years before, subjects worldwide will be placing their reduced (but conditioned) trust in the hands of psycho-engineers--who, bearing freightloads of kinesthetic jolts, will deliver tangential paths of narrative, guided in small part by trace elements of postmodern, post-industrial humor. It remains immaterial whether the subjects will in fact know or care about these trace elements (see: "Easter Eggs," by William Gates, in the International Software Control Review), but the company's lab research at a secret facility in Ohne Hintergrund, Germany, has indicated that some might.
Uberraschung Industries has supplied the SAS97 with some reliable yet enhanced components from its predecessor, the JP93. Chief among these is the Chaos Theory Delivery System, the "Ian Malcolm" (Jeff Goldblum). Known in previous years for its Intellectual Amusement qualities, this component has (since the JP93) been displaying certain Brawn Indicators (see: "Independence Day as Patriotic Dyad," by Will Smith), and those have been emphasized in this newer manifestation. In fact, despite the "Malcolm"'s introduction as a Theory Delivery System, Uberraschung has eliminated virtually all of its speed-inhibiting intellectualisms in favor of increasing the SAS97's greater narrative economy. As a bonus option, the Malcolm is joined by the "Roland Tembo" (Pete Postlethwaite), a safari-hunter attachment, to enhance the Testicular Survival Tendency.
Certain other features have been retained, particularly the Pre-Adult Endangerment Scenarios and the Negative Morality Retribution Mechanisms. We can assure our loyal customers that, once again, younger subjects and their older narrative peers will be equally threatened. Another particularly popular feature of the JP93 is back in even fuller force, the Dino-Pathologic Diorama Synthetic Reconstitution Mechanism. Working hard into the night with banks of computing devices, our engineering crew has inserted these virtual components throughout the SAS97. We are confident their synthetic origins will not contrast with their more organic, carbon-based surroundings, and our experts at Ohne Hintergrund have conducted research to prove this.
Uberraschung admits to a degree of economizing with the SAS97: In order to more safely reach the desired levels of Narrative Confusion, and to meet in-house projections for Visceral Discomfort, some segments of the unit are presented amid insufficient light and high humidity. In our field tests, we have determined that subjects see this not as a limitation but an unacknowledged attraction, since they screamed louder and for less discernible reason because of it. (See: "The Rainy Night/Foggy House Commandments," by Roger Corman.)
Is there any threat of resistance to this remarkable new Thought-Potential Eliminator? We think not, as the time and the field are perfectly aligned. However, we must alert investors and clients alike to an unsolicited training manual also new to the market: Steven Spielberg: A Biography, by Joseph McBride (Simon & Schuster). While quite thorough in its analysis of the Mass Taste Distraction industry, and amply supplied with facts--especially those concerning Steven Allan Spielberg's transient youth and Jewish faith in various middle-American contexts--we feel this text provides entirely too much insight into the infantilization question, and do not recommend it in connection with our new product. Purchasers of McBride's text will discover that they must think entirely too much while using it (despite its much lower level of media technology), particularly as regards the issue of willful denial of innate aesthetic skill and encroaching adult refinement (see: "Schindler's and Other Significant Lists," by Elie Wiesel).
Steven Spielberg: A Biography is available at area bookstores.
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